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Bird Call
In good weather, my friend Mark always let his yellow-naped Amazon parrot, Nicky, sit on the balcony of his tenth-floor apartment. One morning, Nicky flew away, much to Mark’s dismay. He searched and called for the bird, with no luck. The next day when Mark returned from work, the phone rang. "Is this Mark?" The caller asked. "You’re going to think this is crazy, but there’s a bird outside on my balcony saying, ‘Hello, this is Mark.’ Then it recites this phone number and says, ‘I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message at the tone, I will call you back.’" Nicky’s cage had been kept in the same room as Mark’s answering machine.
- Anne R. Neilson |
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Americans
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
- The Joke Yard |
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Late for Work
Johnson, who always shows up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. "What happened to you?" his boss asks."I fell down two flights of stairs," Johnson answers.
"That took you a whole hour?"
- Ethan Patton |
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Broken Machine
Our copier was on the fritz so I put a note on it: "Service has been called." When the technician told me he had to order parts, I added a second note: "Parts have been ordered."
During the next five days, when we had to use an older, slower copier on the other side of the building, someone taped a third note to the machine: "Prayers have been said."
- Jennifer Harrison |
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A Technical Answer
A helicopter was flying toward Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the extreme haze that day, the pilot now had no way of determining the course to the airport. All he could make out was a tall building nearby, so he moved closer to it, quickly wrote out a large sign reading "Where am I?" and held it in the chopper's window.
Responding quickly, the people in the building penned a large sign of their own. It read: "You are in a helicopter." The pilot smiled, and within minutes he landed safely at the airport. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked how the sign helped him determine their position.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft building," the pilot replied, "because like any computer company's help staff, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
- Linda A. Tozer |
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Pulling Together
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move."Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge."Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try." |
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Millions of Years Ago
Overheard at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney's Animal Kingdom park: a confused woman complaining to her friend, "How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?"
-- Megan Lloyd |
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PERSONAL QUESTION
During our computer class, the teacher chastised one boy for talking to the girl sitting next to him.
"I was just asking her a question," the boy said.
"If you have a question, ask me," the teacher tersely replied.
"Okay," he answered. "Do you want to go out with me Friday night?"
-- Tracy Maxwell |
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Answering your own question
An acquaintance of mine was hired as a research assistant by the physics department of a West Coast university to investigate the thermodynamic properties of wood. Two weeks after starting work he was approached by an encyclopedia salesman who explained that purchase of the encyclopedia entitled the buyer to have any three special questions answered completely. To save himself a great deal of work, the researcher bought the encyclopedia, stipulating for his first free question a full dissertation on the thermodynamic properties of wood.
Three weeks later the head of the physics department called the research assistant into his office and said, "We have a request from an encyclopedia company. One of their customers has asked for a report on the thermodynamic properties of wood. Please prepare the report for them."
-- John F. Mellor |
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Smart Pills
"Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn't until I got home that I read the label.
"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can't believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing like wild in the yard!""See?" he said. "You're smarter already."
-- Susanne Higbee |
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School
Four students walked in halfway through the American history test my father was giving at the local community college. "Sorry," they said, "we had a flat tire."An understanding man, Dad said that if they could all answer just one question correctly, he would give them each an "A" for the exam. The students agreed. So my father handed each one a piece of paper, placed them in four separate corners and said, "Write down which tire was flat."
-- Kurt Smith |
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Funny Signs
As a speech pathologist, I often ask patients to tell me a personal story in order to get them to open up. Here's one man's tale:
"My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. 'I'll tell you what,' he told her. 'In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?' Being a good sport, she accepted. And when her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: For Sale. "
-- Luci Knotts
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Funny Signs
Decal on the door of a military base: "Freedom's Door Is Open to Everyone."
Below it, another decal: "Authorized Personnel Only!"
-- Heather Harris
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Funny Signs
"Seen on the door of a repair shop:WE CAN FIX ANYTHING."
(Please knock on the door - the bell doesn't work.)
-- Victoria Golden
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Alcohol
"Researchers at Colorado University say wine may help people lose weight. It's not the wine directly that causes the weight loss, it's all the walking around you do trying to find your car."
-- JAY LENO
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Transportation
I was on the subway sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said, "Yes," stood up, turned the page, and sat down again."
-- DAVID BRENNER |
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Children
I called a friend, and his three-year-old answered the phone. "My daddy is the best daddy in the world. My daddy took me to the animal zoo. I love my daddy." He got on the phone. I said, "Carl, enjoy her while she's stupid."
-- ROBERT A. ALPER
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Business
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars" worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a hundred-dollar bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two hundred-dollar bills. Now, here's where the ethics in. Should you, or should you not, tell your partner?"
-- HENNY YOUNGMAN
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Work
I kept my secretarial day job, though I would call in sick a lot. I would say I had "female problems." My boss didn't know I meant her.
-- WENDY LIEBMAN |
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Flying
If airline travel is so safe, how come the flight attendants sit right next to the emergency exits?
-- JOHNNY CARSON |
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Flying
At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything.
-- GEORGE WALLACE |
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Love
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
-- HENNY YOUNGMAN |
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Money
The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
-- KIN HUBBARD |
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Shopping
I went into this one dress shop that was so exclusive, I didn't know you had to call ahead. The saleswoman asked, "Do you have an appoinment?"
I said, "No. Do the dresses have something else to do today?"
-- RITA RUDNER |
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Health
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
-- JIMMY FALLON
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Telephones
If you call a girl once and she doesn't return your call, it's possible that she never got the message.
However, if you call a girl fifty-one times and she still hasn't called you back,
it's you who haven't gotten the message.
-- J.CHRIS NEWBERG
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Heaven
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!" |
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Diets
I went on a diet. Had to go on two diets at the same time because one diet wasn’t giving me enough food.
-- Barry Marder
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Driving
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said “ Parking Fine.”
-- Tommy Cooper |
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Secrets
I can keep a secret. It’s not that I’m morally superior. It’s that I can’t remember anything anyone tells me.
-- Carol Siskind |
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Names
I don’t remember names, I remember faces. You should be introduced by the face, or whatever you remember about the person. Forget names. Big Nose and ShortPants, come here a second. I want you to meet my buddy Hawaiian Shirt and a Bad Haircut.
-- Paul Reiser |
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Self-Inprovement
I was forced to go to a positive-thinking seminar. I couldn’t stand it. So I went outside to the parking lot and let half the air out of everybody’s tires. As they came out, I said, "So, are your tires half full or half empty?"
-- Adam Cristing |
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Police
A federal appeals court has ruled that police in Connecticut did not discriminate when they turned down a candidate who scored too high on the IQ test to become a police officer. They said they didn’t want cops who were too smart because they would get bored with the job and quit. So the way it works there is: If you fail the IQ test you can be a cop, if you pass the IQ test you can’t be a cop, and if they catch you cheating on the IQ test, they make you a lawyer.
-- JAY LENO |
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Family
I come from a typical American family. You know, me, my mother, her third husband, his daughter from a second marriage, my step-sister, her illegitimate son.
-- Carol Henry |
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Children
I was asking my friend who has children, "What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up to hate me. And it blames everything wrong with its life on me." And she said, "What do you mean, 'If'?"
-- Rita Rudner |
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Exercise
Whenever I read anything, it says, "Consult your doctor before doing any exercise." Does anybody do that? I kind of think my doctor has people comimg in with serious problems. I don't think I should call him and say, "Hi, This is Rita. I'm thinking of bending at the waist."
-- Rita Rudner |
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Apartment
So I live in apartment that's disgusting; it's really dirty. And the kitchen floor is, sticky. And I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.
-- SARAH SILVERMAN |
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